A Well-Loved Woman

Something I’ve struggled with the most with my father’s passing is knowing the pain my mother must feel. Everyone who ever knew them was touched by the profundity of their love for each other. It’s legendary.

I often say they are like Romeo and Juliet, and there is some truth to that. But Mom and Dad had something far more special than that. And it’s clear to me now that their love is fully capable of transcending my father’s death.

Mom and Dad were married for 55 years. For every one of those years, they loved each other well. They supported each other, collaborated, gave each other space to be individuals, celebrated their differences and uniqueness, continually invested in their relationship, always prioritized our family, chose kindness over correctness, and the list goes on and on.

They got married when mom was 19 and dad was 20, with neither of them having much life experience, and neither of them had models of love or parenting they wanted to carry forward.

I do not believe their relationship was a result of the wise decisions they made at that young age to create the perfect union. It was a result of their unyielding devotion to cultivating the greatest love they could imagine, despite anything that may have otherwise prevented it. They intentionally created this love that touched so many lives.

They had no examples to follow. They just believed it was possible and devoted themselves to cultivating symbiosis and harmony, never allowing life’s circumstances or the doubts of others to dissuade them.

That’s part of what made it so special. They didn’t fall into it. It wasn’t modeled for them. They made this path. Because it was their priority.

When I was at their home recently during my father’s transition, I took notice of a piece of art on the wall that my mother created. It states, “If it is important to you, it’s important to me”. I watched her live out that commitment every day. Dad did too. I witnessed both of them leaning into discussions and concepts and moments that only made sense because of that commitment.

They cared so much about the other’s experience of life. They found such profound joy in loving and serving each other. They actively helped each other become the humans they wanted to be, individually, and collectively.

Most people know the significance of the number 48 in my parent’s life. On their 47th anniversary, Dad quietly devoted himself to writing about how much he loves my mother, every day for that next year. On their 48th anniversary (which they celebrated like one would their 50th), Dad presented her with a book of these notes, just for her. (That still brings me to tears, of joy.)

And that wasn’t anomalous for Dad. That was the norm.

All my life, I’ve seen Post-It notes all over the house from my parents writing love notes and words of appreciation and gratitude to each other. From the time I was old enough to remember right up to when my father passed away. These seemingly small actions, and so many others, cultivated such a robust and resilient love.

My parents exhibited the truest and most beautiful love I’ve ever witnessed. It has moved me and shaped my life in ways I’m so grateful for. They exhibited what true love really is, and how it can affect the world in such powerful ways.

We went through some really hard times as a family. Through financial and major business struggles, significant deaths, family health issues, my struggles with addiction in my 20s, the political activism and turmoil of my decade in Africa, and so on. We endured a lot. But the love in our family never wavered, nor did my parent’s relationship. In fact, they strengthened through each struggle.

A few nights ago I was really struggling with the deep pain of not being able to share life with my father anymore. At least not like I always have. And then my heart hurt even more as I thought about how my mother must feel right now, losing the love of her life for the last 55 years.

I don’t know if I could carry on if it were me. But I also know well enough to know that I am not my mother. As I’ve reflected on this more, I’ve realized some things.

I know it’s natural to project what I might feel if it were me. So I took a step back to try and put myself in my mother’s shoes. And that’s when it hit me.

Mom has the gift of being a “well-loved woman” for 55 years. Not only that, but she also loved my father well. They had a truly symbiotic love that supported and strengthened the love of the other, in true symbiosis.

We don’t have many examples of what a human is like after 55 years of being loved so deeply by someone with complete reciprocation of that love. We are all familiar with the concept of the “power of love”, but seldom do we witness its effects over such a sustained period, reciprocally.

My mother is a product of a mythical depth of love, not just in receiving it, but also in exhibiting it. She has a bank of love within her that I cannot even fathom. And that makes her mighty. In ways most of us will never quite understand.

I talk a lot about my unyielding faith in the “promise of symbiosis in every moment”. My parents lived that out, in the most wonderful example. They were two whole individuals that together represented something far greater than the sum of the parts. Like 1+1=100.

I sort of saw them as three different entities. My Mom, my Dad, and my Parents. (I plan to write more about this soon.)

My mother is equipped with a love bank inside her that is the result of 55 years of being a well-loved human. We have so few examples of that. But I believe that love like that is what is required to heal our world.

I witnessed their love impact hundreds of thousands of lives through their example. And that was just through the example of two devoted humans.

Imagine what this world would be like if this profound and resilient love were not such an anomaly. Imagine if the priority of our society was to cultivate this kind of symbiotic love. Not just the romantic love they had, but the kind of love that is founded on a desire for symbiosis, where love strengthens love.

I’m so grateful for their example. I believe that exemplifying love is our greatest philanthropic act. And I can see the proof in all the lives impacted by the love of my parents.

When the goal is symbiotic love, anything becomes possible.

I’m now offering Spiritual Guidance and Sacred Parenting Guidance. I’d love to help you cultivate harmony and symbiosis in your world.

Visit JaredAngaza.com →

Explore my series about my relationship with my father and my journey in walking him home as his death doula.

Walking My Father Home pt.1 →
There are now four installments in that series.

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