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- Be Impeccable with Your Word
Over the past decade, I’ve studied ancient Toltec wisdom ardently. It represents a culture and a way of living that moves and inspires me. This wisdom has formed much of the foundation for how I show up in the world, and how I’m raising my children. They know these principles through and through.
The Toltec were a pre-Columbian Mesoamerican culture reaching prominence from 950 to 1150 CE. The Aztec considered them to be their intellectual and cultural predecessors and described them as the epitome of civilization.
They devoted themselves to expanding their wisdom and living harmoniously. There are many similarities between their ways and that of the Samurai, which I’ve also studied deeply. They lived intentionally, with great self-discipline, resilience, and devotion.
You have likely heard of Don Miguel Ruiz’s profound book, “The Four Agreements”. It sold over 12 Million copies and has been translated into 52 languages. About 14 years later, Miguel and his son Jose wrote “The Fifth Agreement”. I’ve studied his entire library, which consists of about 20 books.
These Five Agreements have shaped my perspective and consequent behavior in so many foundational ways. These simple principles have become the blueprint for my life and my family. My children are well-versed in each agreement.
Over the years, I’ve created a lot of my own tools to help me stay in energetic alignment and devoted to my practices. I’ve shared a lot of those with friends. I’m always happy to see one of my tattered Five Agreements printouts on friends’ refrigerators when I visit their homes.
These are great tools for family road trips! They help keep our family in alignment. Today, I made a quick reminder list to keep on your phone, for easy access. Both of those are available for free download here. Feel free to download them and share them.
Here’s a quick look at the agreements. The image below is the Phone Reminder image, with just the titles. The Wall Printout has more explanation of each agreement. Today, I’m just addressing the First Agreement.
1) Be Impeccable with Your Word
Speak with integrity and say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
excerpt from The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz
What does it mean to be impeccable with your word?
Our words have so much power. From the ideas and thoughts that rattle around inside our heads to the big weighty words we publish online or say out loud to others. Every word has an impact.
I remind myself, and my children often, that when we write words down, we call it spelling. There is an additional way to look at this. When we use words, we are energetically casting spells as the words are uttered from our mouths or held in our minds.
Examples of not being impeccable with my word.
Self-deprecation through my thoughts and words.
Gossiping about others (in any way).
Using negative or violent language.
Lying or being deceitful in any way.
The thoughts I entertain in my mind are either life-giving or not. Self-deprecating thoughts are devastating. That’s using the power of words against ourselves.
Saying negative things or gossiping about others is toxic. The ripple effect from gossip energetically and emotionally poisons relationships. We can apologize when it happens, but the impact of those words can never be retracted. I believe they have a similar effect on our inner psyche.
Do you remember someone saying something hurtful to you when you were a child? Are you still affected by it? If so, let that be a reminder of the power words carry.
On my forearm, I have a large tattoo that reads, “Word is Bond”, which I adapted from both Quaker and Rastafarian (yep!) cultural agreements. I work diligently to be mindful and intentional with my words.
I don’t allow words like “hate" in our family. I don’t allow talk about “killing” or belittling anyone. Even as a joke. Those words are violent. We want to honor ourselves and others with our words. This is a call to being mindful with every word we use. I don’t want to cast spells flippantly.
I also don’t say things like, “I don’t care”. That’s never the case. I care a lot, about almost everything. However, I may not be concerned about something, or I may not have a preference. In that instance, I can simply say what I mean. “I don’t have a preference” or “I’m not concerned about any of that”.
This mindfulness practice is just that…a practice. I’m using my language to help me be more mindful in the small things, so I can be more mindful in the big things. That’s what all our practices are for.
The constant act of intentionality in what I say or write, being mindful of the energy behind each word, affords me so much peace and flow in my life.
It forces me to think about each word that comes out, to be strategic, thoughtful, and intentional. I rarely say a word now that I didn’t intend to put out into the universe. I use my words with the knowledge that I’m “casting spells” when I do. That draws me into a much deeper presence with myself and others.
Gossiping | A Moment of Truth
I recently had a situation in my community where I failed to keep this agreement. I vented to a friend about a situation I was witnessing. And I did it repeatedly over many months. It was like an energy leak I wasn’t tuned into and it was spilling poison all over the people around me that I love.
I had no ill intentions or malice behind any of this. Quite the opposite. But I recognize I was far too loose with my words. I made poor choices. And I feel a deep sadness for doing so.
A friend who was involved had the audacity to call me and hold me accountable. I was shocked. Not at being held accountable, but at how far I’d let this go. There are lots of layers to this story, but suffice it to say, I was not impeccable with my word and I hurt people in the process. I accept full responsibility for that, with no justifications.
As I listened to my friend hold me accountable over the phone, I felt the weight of all those words crashing down on me like a giant tsunami. I created that wave. I was careless with my words and people got hurt. That’s on me. Full stop. I want this moment to impact me.
I could soften this story and make justifications and acceptions, but that wouldn’t change the simple fact that I didn’t uphold my agreement. And that caused damage to friendships that I cannot undo. Had I been impeccable with my words, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I took that power away from myself when I acted carelessly.
I don’t believe in harboring shame or regret. Those concepts are also poisonous, and a copout. I do feel a deep sadness that I hurt my friends. I am also grateful for the life lesson and the “moment” I had with all of this. That moment of accountability is something I’ll carry with me forever, as a reminder to hold strong to my agreements.
Today I am reminded of the importance of this simple agreement. I’m also grateful for friends who care enough to call a brother out when it’s needed. What a gift! I thanked my friend for the intervention. And I truly am grateful for that reset. It presents an opportunity for me to deepen my practice.
When I am mindful with my words, internally and externally, I feel most in my power. I feel like a clean vessel, able to “be love” in every moment. When I just let the words and emotions fly, I feel weak and yes, occasionally ashamed.
This is another reminder to be mindful of the words I use with myself and others. I want my words to be infused with love, compassion, kindness, and understanding. Nothing less. I’m grateful for friends who care enough to help me realign. And for their grace and forgiveness along the way.
Use your words wisely. And remember, you’re spelling when you do. Spell mindfully.
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