Choose Harmony

When the heat gets turned up in life, what do you strive for? Control? Justice? Fairness? To win? Do those feel more important than harmony?

Throughout my 20 years of activism, I’ve been drawn into many studies. I want to know why people behave the way they do, what drives them, and what are their priorities. I want to understand how people’s minds work.

If I’m setting out to inspire people to change their behavior or stand up for something, I need to know how to influence them. I also need to understand what influenced them to behave the way they do now.

It was also important that I learn the art of conflict resolution. Suffice it to say, that came up a lot. Sometimes politically, and often as a physical or otherwise violent threat. Over the years, I’ve realized that so much of navigating healthy relationships relies on my ability to navigate conflicts well.

I’ve studied strategy, behavioral economics, consciousness, crowd mentality, ontology, religion, spirituality, interconnectedness, philosophy, history, Indigenous wisdom, and lots more.

I even studied the history and science of propaganda, because of its profound influence on society. In 1928, Edward Bernays wrote the book, Propaganda. He orchestrated campaigns to get women to smoke and use Betty Crocker, and Hitler’s Third Reich notoriously used it as a playbook to orchestrate the Holocaust. I wanted to understand how we got here.

In the early years of living in Rwanda, my work called me to learn more about strategy, conflict resolution, combat-related self-regulation, martial intent, etc. And I studied and trained ardently. During that time, I focused on two primary works.

On Combat, The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman

The S.W.A.T. leader who trained me gave it to me. I still practice the principles I learned in this book daily. It taught me self-regulation in times of intense conflict. That still serves me well, in all aspects of life.

The Art of War, by Sun Tzu

This book shaped me. It’s part of who I am. And it’s been one of the greatest tools I have for conflict resolution and cultivating peace.

The most common perception of people who haven’t studied the book is that it’s about mastering warfare. It is actually quite the opposite. Sun Tzu posited that, if you have gone to war, you have already lost. The best you can do is recover well.

My interpretation of his works is that “War is to be neither sought after nor avoided. It is to be transcended.” The goal of “The Art of War” is to be skilled and disciplined enough to create a harmonious resolution to any potential conflict. The art of war is to transcend the conflicts that would lead to war.

I spent the first half of my life fighting. I fought for human rights, Indigenous rights, and women’s rights. I fought against big pharma, and big oil, and big racism in the US. I fought in the streets with my hands any chance I got. I was a “Freedom Fighter” and I was all in, and well trained.

I no longer find it valiant to choose violence or any sort of “fight energy” to solve a problem (as it does not work). And that means everything from overt street fighting to simply being violent with my words, or even my thoughts.

I remember the days when I said, “I am fighting for peace”. Oh, the irony. It’s embarrassing to even admit that, now. Fighting never brings peace. Ever.

I want my words, actions, and presence to radiate love, compassion, and empathy. I want to be the person that creates harmony in an otherwise chaotic moment. In my mind, the true Jedi is the one that can transmute all that fight energy into love, and cultivate harmony.

This has been one of my greatest tools from the Art of War toolbox. This charge calls us to be disciplined enough to let go of our attachments, remember our commitment to cultivating harmony, and be disciplined enough to tune into what our “opponent” feels, needs, and desires, and practice empathy.

It calls us to do the work to truly understand what motivates them (friend, child, spouse, etc.). What do they care about most (perhaps just at that moment)? What do they fear most? What do they desire? What drives them?

It is wise to cultivate an environment where conflict is more of an anomaly than the norm. But from time to time, conflict is going to happen. When it does, we are typically faced with two prominent paths.

1) Dive into the conflict and react from your negative emotional state.
2) Pause. Prioritize the goal of cultivating harmony. Exhibit copious amounts of discipline, patience, and kindness.

Like everything else in life, it comes down to your priorities. As you face the conflict, what drives you? What priority guides the way? Is there any outcome more important than harmony?

A lot of times, “building a golden bridge” simply means laying down your agenda, changing gears, and focusing on connection, rather than correction.

When I’m upset with someone, I stop and think about how I might “build them a golden bridge in which to retreat”. It doesn’t mean the other person has to “lose”. It means I have to care enough to tune into their world and their priorities and make it easier for them to play a role in resolving the conflict. Don’t push anyone up against a wall. Because all they can do then is fight back.

Letting go is such an important part of this. Conflict is often completely deflated the second you are willing to let go. Poof. Just like that, it’s gone. And all it takes is commitment and discipline to stick to the true goal.

Abraham Hicks says, “A war against a war is still a war”.

Creating harmony is seldom the easiest path, but it’s always worth the effort. Most conflicts are short-lived and not terribly consequential. Those are good ones to practice on. Other conflicts have big consequences, and some involve generations of layers and complexity.

Nonetheless, the same principles apply to any conflict. Some just require more discipline and patience. When a conflict arises, remember you always have a choice, and a role to play.

Here are some reminders I use daily to transcend conflict and cultivate harmony.

Rather than seeking control…
Rather than seeking justice…
Rather than seeking fairness…
Rather than seeking to win…
Choose harmony.

I have to ask myself, of all the possible outcomes, is there any goal more important than harmony? I am happy to forgo any desire for control, justice, fairness, and winning, to cultivate harmony.

What becomes possible through harmony? In my experience, almost everything I want in life depends upon it.

Be the Jedi who is able to create harmony when all the odds are against it.

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